American conspiracy theorists heads are exploding at an alarming rate as the two main presidential candidates get more and more terrible.
“Up until yesterday I was pretty convinced that the reason that Donald Trump was running was to make Hilary Clinton look like a palatable choice,” said Zach Hinckley, a Libertarian UFOlogist from Philadelphia, “but then I came across Mike.”
Mike is Mike Huntzitchy, a Libertarian anti-NWO Freedomist from South Dakota.
“I truly believed,” explained Mike, “that Hilary was running so that people would actually vote for a douchebag like Trump but then I met Zach and both seem equally possible!”
As America lurches closer to November and the election it seems clear that both candidates are running against the only person they could possibly beat.
“Trump is a proto-fascist fuckwit who’d probably nuke Iran for just being there,” said Zach, “And Hilary is a war-mongering serial liar who’d bomb Iraq just because.”
“We don’t know who to think is the evil representative of the New World Order of Masonic lizards” added Mike. “Can somebody please send some aliens to abduct us?”
