Leaders around the world let out a simultaneous sigh of despair last night as the Republican Party confirmed Donald Trump’s presidential nomination.
In yet another blow for world peace, global stability and perhaps even the viability of the human race as a species the USA, once heralded as a beacon of freedom and civilisation, confirmed one of the most audacious and mendacious liars in history as a rider in the two-horse race to the White House.
“I bet you’re glad we have Trident now,” Boris was rumoured to yell at a hippy on his ride to work this morning.
Melania Trump, who struggled her way through college as a young black woman, named Donald’s kindness as one of the 999,999,999 reasons she married him during “her” speech at the Republican Convention on Monday.
Sales of baked beans, bottled water and radiation suits bounced at the news.