Conservative leadership candidate hopeful Andrea Leadsom was remaining tight lipped this morning following revelations that she has ‘pulled a u-ey’ over the recent referendum that hinged around turkeys.
Unless you’ve been living in a cave for the past month (!) you’ll no doubt be aware that less than two weeks ago the UK referendum took place, giving all turkeys within the United Kingdon a say in whether or not to vote for Christmas. Whilst not exactly unanimous, a majority of 52% to 48% of turkeys opted to vote for Christmas, with a turkey voter turnout somewhere in the region of 72%.
In spite of her party’s official anti-Xmas stance, Leadsoup, 106, was a vocal campaigner for Christmas throughout the preceding campaign, promising turkeys ‘a bright new future with all the trimmings, and with many great, great opportunities on the table’. However, new evidence brought to light by none other than people’s War Monger Extraordinaire Tony ‘Slobodan’ Blair shows clear video footage of Ms Leadweight vocally campaigning AGAINST Christmas.
In the clip, dated to 2014 (which we are unable to link to as it may offend sensitive viewers), Ms Leadpoisoning can clearly be heard to utter the words “I’m Jewish. Well, at least according to my hastily doctored Wikipedia page I am, so I HATE Christmas, and as a result I’m not celebrating already. To paraphrase top youth beat poet Benjamin Zephania, turkey, I’m on YOUR side.”
Leadpaint was of this morning unavailable for comment, however we did speak to a stereoypical regional turkey in the Rochdale area, a Mr Reg Turkey, to canvass why and what and how and if and all that…
“Well, it’s about doing what’s right by your own innit.” he informed us. “Us turkeys, we don’t have any sense of national identity anymore. Polski Sklep? What the FU*@K is that all about? They eat F&***$%@ carp for Christmas dinner or some bollo@*cks, and as for the Muslims, when did you last see turkey on an Indian takeaway menu? We just want our country back, and if that means sentencing us to a miserable existence prior to a swift yet excruciatingly painful death at the hands of our elitist overlords, then that’s a small price to pay for our sovereignty. I’m sick of them coming over here from over there and telling us what to do.”
When pressed on exactly what Mr Turkey had been told to do by them, he became quite agitated, prior to eventually responding “I don’t know, Health And Safety or something.”
