Former number three in the Irish presidential election Seamus Martin Pointa McGuinness has resigned from his position as Deputy First Minister of Northern Ireland.
The resignation comes after the DUP repeatedly took more than their fair share of Post-it notes, Sharpie pens, paper-clips and other stationery, laughed every time somebody spoke in Gaelic and also after that £400 million over budget on the allegedly fraud-ridden Cash for Ash, or Reusable Heating Initiative, scheme.
“I have reached out to Unionist scum on the basis of equality and respect over the last 10 years,” said the former provisional IRA soldier, “but they’ve nicked everything that wasn’t nailed down from the stationery cupboard and colluded with those bastards in England to scupper any progress in making me King of a united Eire!”
The First Minister role is a double position. The resignation of the deputy means that unless Sinn Fein puts forward an alternative candidate- they say they shan’t- then an election will be triggered.
“It’s intolerable that after all this time the DUP are still acting this way,” continued the ex-terrorist, “It’s one thing to murder people who you have political disagreements with as we all used to do, but to take the last of those little stickers that make punched holes in documents stronger? We just won’t stand for it!”
The atmosphere at Stromont is said to be tense and aggressive. As per usual.
“I am disappointed that Mr McStouty has decided he can’t put up with being my number two any more,” said Arlene Foster, who headed up the ministry that designed the Reusable Heating Initiative and campaigned to keep it going long after it was obviously haemorrhaging money, “but the idea that somebody as absolutely perfect and utterly wonderful as me would be arrogant? That just shows how much better Unionists are than these Fenian arseholes!”
Asked what her response to his resignation was she said, “As usual he is blowing things up-”
“I am not a fecking terrorist! I am a legitimate politician!” interrupted McGuinness.
“- out of all proportion.” finished the DUP leader.