Concerned Americans were today relieved to hear that the Texas shooting was carried out by a human rights supporting atheist.
Initially, US citizens were horrified to hear that the worst ever mass shooting in Texas had been carried out by Devin Kelley, a white naval veteran who at one time led bible classes.
“We were shocked and horrified to hear that he wasn’t a Muslim, or even slightly dark,” said Eli T Redneck of Twisted Knee, Texas. “I mean, we’d of settled for Latino but when I saw the picture, he was whiter than my, er, someone’s KKK robe.”
Local anti-abortionist, Holly Bushe, 54, said, “I’d already started posting on FaceBook that Donald Trump was right and that the libtard lefties in the swamp were traitors for not allowing the wall to be built to keep out those Mexican Muslims trying to kill all good God-fearing white Christian folk like me.”
Retired snake rustler, Dingbat ‘Duke’ Brickhead, added, “There’s plenty of evidence on YouTube to show that Kelley once looked at a piece of paper which had a word like Muslim printed on it. That may have been alrighty for some folk, but I pride myself on my critical thinking and although it was convincing, a tiny doubt remained.”
He went on, “So when it came out that he was in favor of human rights, animal welfare, the environment, social justice and that he was probably a godamn atheist, I was mighty relieved, I can tell y’all.”
Sheriff Nat Ingham shared the others’ relief. “Despite my pardon from our great President, I was worried about my re-election and if some good ole boy from the great state of Texas had done it, I’d a been under some pressure, so I was sorely pleased to learn he was a libtard snowflake heathen who will now go straight to hell. Jeez, he even liked ‘art and culture’ so was probably a fag anyways.”
The Texas branch of ISIS, after a bit of hesitation, have claimed responsibility.
“We weren’t sure at first, but he was a wife beater and that sort of convinced us.”
