Rochdale resident Des Spondent, 46, was getting ready for work one dark morning when the mix-up occurred.
The sores in his mouth miraculously healed, and the toothpaste caused a shiny, ultra-white light to come from his rear. Spondent says it was a “road to Damascus” moment: “The scales have literally fallen from my eyes, and I can see clearly now,” he croons.
Filled with this new sense of self-worth, Spondent has embarked on a crusade to put the world to rights. He quit his job to take over Brexit negotiations while managing Arsenal, and is shortly releasing an original album and embarking on a world tour. Spondent believes that he will succeed through absolute self belief.
But Spondent’s crowning achievement is much closer to home. “I have ceased communication with my family,” he says, proudly. “I now realise that they were merely holding me back. None of them appreciates my very special talents, or understands just how important I am.” When asked what it would take to resume contact, he strokes his chin wisely and considers the problem. “When they finally recognise me for who I am, then I may consider allowing them back into the fold,” he muses.
Spondent’s brother Corey, 51, takes a different view. “Des has always thought the light shines out of his arse. It’s probably just a mid-life crisis,” he says, rolling his eyes. “But it would make our lives much easier if he just bought a Harley.”
But Spondent is not alone. In another bizarre ablution accident, Spondent’s wife, Unri, got her toothpaste and Canesten thrush cream mixed up. “It’s wonderful!” she gushes. “The irritating itch in my teeth has gone, and Des can now see exactly where he’s putting it!”
Des Spondent’s farts now smell minty fresh.
