A study carried out by some of the country’s top criminologists has highlighted a surprising correlation between people with pixelated faces and a predisposition to criminal activity.
Professor Robyn Banks of Rochdale Community College told The Herald “The search for physiological markers that could aid law enforcerment agencies in the apprehension of criminals has been the Holy Grail of criminology for hundreds of years. It has long been my belief that you can’t judge a book by it’s cover, but this study seems to suggest that if the cover is cheaply printed and illegible then it could well be a crap book.”
The extensive study was undertaken by a team of twenty specially trained researchers who studied footage of criminal activity filmed from 1962 to the present day. “Much of the early black and white footage was obtained from the iconic TV series ‘Police 5‘ explained Professor Banks. “Admittedly, the faces of the suspects in those may or may not have actually been pixelated as such, but it was very grainy and generally poor quality so they may as well have been.”
“However, when we referenced more modern shows like ‘Police, Camera, Action!‘, ‘Cops With Cameras‘ and ‘Caught Red Handed‘, a clear pattern began to emerge.”
The study has not revealed whether criminals predominently have naturally pixelated faces or whether they are using back-street clinics to surgically alter their appearance. What is clear is that has been a significant drop in the use of stockings, masks and hoodies in recent years. This is attributed to the fact that modern facial recognition technology does not yet have the sophistication required to accurately identify extremely low-resolution facial features.
“We are working on technology to overcome the challenge,” Banks continued, “but as you can imagine, if you try to distinguish 100 faces that appear to be constructed of Duplo bricks then you’ll soon realise that they all look the same.”
The public are advised to keep ’em peeled and not to approach anyone with unusually blocky features but to call the police immediately.
Please remember, violent crime is actually much rarer than a lot of what we show here as these are the very worst cases, please do not have nightmares, sleep tight.
