Biologists wielding enormous magnifying glasses today discovered a newt thought to be the world’s smallest living thing.

This infinitesimal being has been proved by scientists to have less substance than the Tory manifesto; less conscience than Theresa May’s pronouncements on either Windrush or Grenfell, and a shorter life span than the Chequers plan.

Professor Liam Clocks of the Oldham Institute told us. “This tiny, tiny creature is so small that a thousand of them could stand on a grain of sand. This one we’re looking at here is mine and he is the tiniest of them all because he is my newt.”