Worrying news reaches us from a Rochdale suburb of a child who has not yet learned the truth

There are certain core truths you learn early in life.  English summers are greyer than England football fans’ livers.  England are shit at football, sorry, at men’s football.  And that’s just how it is.

Rochdale child, Andrew Gill, 6, is currently watching the World Cup for the first time.  He is increasingly convinced it is coming home.  But, the little Bastard hasn’t experienced anywhere near enough years of hurt to be allowed to enjoy this.  In fact, the only pain the little fucker has experienced is sunburn.  In England.  In sodding Rochdale.

I’m in tears.  He is of young age still, granted.  I mean, he probably doesn’t realise Santa is shagging his mum yet.  But imagine him, with his 99p Flake that cost £3.70, in the sun, with his mum.  Little shit.

Everyone else of a greater vintage knows, England are frequently shit at football, and the weather rains. When it doesn’t, well, you get fat drunk dickheads jumping up and down on ambulances and not being arrested simply because they are white.  That’s what this country does with a bit of heat.  

Little fucking numpties wreck it for everyone and ruin your local IKEA for the bants.  We aren’t grown up enough to have nice things.  You know and I know.  So, it’s time.  Gareth, you know how to get us out of trophies, you’ve been there before.  

So kill it off before it comes home, and take the pizza deal.  Then we hope that small child’s tears evaporate and give us some much needed precipitation before we all go mad.

Just joking, it’s obviously coming home.

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Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?