A rank-outsider has swept to victory in Turkey’s presidential election defying the odds to secure a third five year term.

Election authority chief said “imagine our surprise when we counted the votes and found that Recep Erdogan had received 100% of all the valid votes.”

Journalists reporting on the election from prison said that “this is an historic day for democracy.”

The opposition is yet to officially concede but said, from a different prison, that it would continue its democratic fight just as soon as the Turkish Police stopped pulling their toenails out.

Academics and Historians would probably have passed doubts on the legitimacy of the election but were all, coincidentally, in prison awaiting trial for crimes including reading, writing stuff down, thinking and not being completely fucking stupid.

160,000 people opposed to Mr Erdogan’s new executive presidency and autocratic powers have been locked up in the run up to the election.

“It’s been a disappointing turn out for opposition voters.” A man wearing a balaclava and carrying machine gun at a polling station told The Rochdale Herald.

“If only so many of them didn’t break the law in the run up to this election then they would have been in with a chance.”

“Are you a journalist?”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.