A Rochdale man has been telling us of his disappointment at not being made to take his England flag down by the police. Martin William’s erected the flag on his house today and has spent the last week driving around, unmolested by the police despite having England flags attached to his car.

Stan Still told us, “I got the flags for the car out and put them on it on Sunday. I went out to Asda but nobody really bothered. Yesterday I overtook a police car and figured they were going to arrest me. They did absolutely nothing. It was well disappointing so I went home and erected the biggest England flag I could find outside my house.”

The complete lack of anyone caring about the flags hasn’t stopped Stan from pretending he’s been threatened with prison in social media posts. He told us, “I said that the police had been round while I was out and said I’d have to take the flags down. That got loads of likes and re-tweets.”

Stan told us, “I’ve bought some more flags. They say England on them which means I’ll definitely get arrested as everyone knows now that saying England gets you arrested. Plus, I’ll at least be able to get this flag the right way up. Apparently, the other one I put up is upside down.”

It’s understood that Stan is currently being investigated for wasting police time after he telephoned the police, put a strange accent on and reported his own address for flying offensive material. A responding police officer said, “It would have been more believable had he not left his name and address. It’s not illegal to fly an England flag on your car as most normal people know. It’s when you drape it across the windscreen and drive around with your head out of the side window so you can see that we tend to tell you to take it down.”

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.