The Head of the National Cutlery Association, Wayne La Cuillère, has lashed out at Donald Trump on Twitter this afternoon, after the US President made a series of controversial comments about knife crime in the UK.
“The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a knife is a good guy with a knife!” tweeted La Cuillère.
“A fork could also be effective in the hands of a trained pro. At a push, he could maybe use a big spoon. We don’t like to discriminate.”
The tweets come after Trump used rising levels of knife crime in the UK to justify the lack of gun control in the United States, chanting ‘Knives, knives, knives’ to a baying National Rifle Association audience. The President also claimed that a ‘once very prestigious’ London hospital was now like a ‘military war zone’, implying that knives were in some way just as bad as the semi-automatic assault rifles commonly used by American mass murderers.
“The old ‘knives are just as bad as guns’ argument is commonly used by the sort of inadequate losers who think that openly carrying a firearm in public will disguise the fact that they never have a girlfriend,” La Cuillère told our reporter.
“The United Kingdom already has some of the strictest knife control legislation in the world, and if got any stricter it would impact massively on recreational knife use.
“Sure, you might cut down on the number of stabbings but how many picnics would be ruined if you had no knife to spread your Dairylea? How would the elderly cope if they had nothing with which to spread jam onto their scones in tearooms? It’s already bad enough that they’ve banned the sale of cutlery to under 18’s.
“As it stands, my 16-year-old grandson isn’t allowed to walk into our local Ikea to buy himself a set of butter knives but he could stroll into any gun store in Minnesota and walk out with a hunting rifle capable of taking down a fully-grown moose.
“You can do a lot of damage with a hunting rifle, but how often do you hear about people dying in mass-butterings? Exactly. Tell Trump to stick that up his NRA-funded A-hole.”
La Cuillère, who supports the introduction of open-carry laws for cheese knives in middle-class areas, also suggested that the knives themselves were not to blame for the growing murder rate in London.
“Knives don’t kill people, people kill people!” he shouted at our reporter.
“I mean, sure, the knife helps, but you can do a fair amount of damage with any sort of cutlery if you’ve got the notion.
“You should see what my grandfather could do with a soup spoon. It would make your eyes water. Amongst other things.”
The White House has refused to comment on reports that the President does not actually know what a knife is, because he still requires a grown-up to cut up his food.