Long term squatter julian Assange has lost his internet porn privileges at the Ecuadorian Embassy, where he lives in a cupboard, The Rochdale Herald has discovered.
Speaking exclusively to an Embassy employee, who desperately needed some fresh air and a large whiskey, we found out the real reason he is now unable to put out the bullshit he thinks up, or what Vladimir Putin or anyone else with an open ended cheque book tells him to write.
“It’s simple really,” said the employee who wished to remain anonymous, amid fears he would be targeted by some loon who still thinks Wikileaks is a legitimate, transparent, fact giving website, instead of the Russia orientated propaganda machine for sale to the highest bidder.
“He’s gone mad! Absolutely wacko, off the deep end, stir crazy! And let’s face it, he wasn’t that sane when he pushed his way into the Embassy and told us he was the IT guy, which, with hindsight, we should have realised was a bit odd as we hadn’t called in an IT guy plus he had a rucksack, 3 suitcases and was scared shitless, still, you live and learn.”
Asked to describe what behaviour Assange had been exhibiting of late the employee went on,
“Well, it all started a few years ago. One of the cleaners went into his cupboard to make the bed which was when he noticed all the milk bottles of piss Julian had in there. They were everywhere.
“Turns out he’d been drinking his own wee rather than risk Polonium in his cocoa, that should have alerted us. I mean, we don’t serve cocoa.
“Anyhoo, it got worse. The porn thing has been going on, like, forever. 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. That was OK whilst he was in his cupboard, with the doors shut, but he started wandering round, with no trousers on, proud as punch if you know what I mean. Can you imagine how embarrassing that got? Especially with all the foreign agents that come in to speak to him.
“The worst one was Nigel Farage, poor sod was so embarrassed that when he was caught leaving the Embassy by a reporter he couldn’t make up a reason for being there and just said he’d forgotten. We did have a laugh about that when he phoned up to say he was never there.
“To top it all off Julian now wears tissue boxes on his feet, which isn’t so bad as he hasn’t cut his toenails for 3 years, but the final straw came when the Ambassador was hosting a diplomatic function. We were just serving the Ferrero Rocher chocolates, when out jumps Assange, tissue boxes on his feet, bottle of piss in one hand, cock in the other, and shouts ‘Mr Ambassador, you are really spoiling us!’
“The Ambassador lost it at that point and shouted back, ‘fuck off Julian, you weren’t invited.’
“He ordered security to take Jules back to his cupboard and had his internet privleges revoked. We’re hoping he takes the hint and just leaves, he’ll either be arrested or killed by the Russians, so either way it’s win.”
Asked what he is doing now, to stave off boredom, we were told, “He has a pencil, it’s a big novelty one as we won’t let him have anything sharp. He’s been drawing pictures of Hilary Clinton on a used tissue,
“at least we think it was used before he drew on it.”
