As he despatched six mini-buses of police officers carrying riot gear to a site where a council-paid contractor was due to fell a line of healthy trees used for Christmas fundraising, Sheffield police Assistant Chief Constable Dave R Hartless said “Of course this is not a police state.”

We are duty bound to protect burly men with chainsaws from women with MS and pensioners carrying malicious cameras. Even though the contractors already have a small private security army.”

“It is obviously necessary for us to protect the council in this respect as they set our budget for the future. Sorry, did I say that out loud?”

When asked about the number of police being deployed, Ass Con Hartless replied “We used to send just a few along, largely to observe. But when our chief sponsor, the council, pointed out there were up to 100 potentially violent protestors gathering in a confined space in a highly volatile and divided atmosphere, it’s clear ‘man to man marking’ on the part of the police is the only reasonable operational solution.”

Our reporter pointed out that next Saturday, potentially violent people would be gathered in a highly volatile and divided atmosphere when Sheffield United hosted Millwall. And there would be 25,000 of them. Our reporter further suggested that in order not to be seen as an imbecilic hypocrite, Mr Hartless would need to keep his policy consistent. At this point Mr Hartless went a strange shade of puce and reached for a book marked ‘Annual leave bookings’.

We asked the chairman of the Association for Sheffield Knife Attackers, Burglars and Breakers-In (SKABBI) for comment. ‘Lefty’ Stabbings told us “Obviously it’s bonanza time for our lads. While plod are trying to pin £50 quid obstruction charges on peaceful dudes; we’re robbing and a-stabbing, looting and a-shooting, man we’re too bad.”

“On the down side we ain’t the ones with street cred and respect no more. That’s them bad old ladies with MS and the old dudes slow-walking in front of council trucks.”

Satire Aid is back!Visit the Satire Aid website.