There were extraordinary scenes in Parliament today as Boris Johnson spoke about the suspected poisoning of Sergei Skripal.

Mr Johnson said, “If Russian involvement is suspected the Russian Government should expect a robust response from Britain.

“The Prime Minister has even suggested I go out there on a state visit and discuss the matter with Putin in person. Perhaps I’ll throw a few Dickensian zingers in for good measure.”

Ivan Tupoizunya, a Russian ambassador said, “We agree. You should send the big fat man who gets stuck on zip lines. Our President will love to have tea with him. They could even go to the Ural mountains and ride horses half naked.”

Mr Johnson isn’t the only one issuing threats.

David Davis said that Britain may use trade embargos to respond. It’s understood that British people may not be able to buy Lada’s anymore. We tried to talk to the leader of the Lada owners club but, who owns a Lada?

The FA also got involved. With the World Cup due to be held in Russia this year they have threatened not to send an official delegation to the opening ceremony. One FA member said they may even send a rubbish England team that gets knocked out of the tournament in the group stage. “Once they realise how unseriously we’re taking the tournament it will devalue the whole thing. Then they’ll be sorry.”

Prince Philip, a Duke, was overheard saying “Amateurs. Everyone knows the best way to assassinate someone is to get their driver drunk.”

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.