Children from the Syrian city of Damascus have launched a campaign to help those affected by the ongoing KFC chicken shortage.
In a video posted on YouTube earlier today, the children asked people around the world to come together to seek a solution to the crisis, which has left thousands of people in the UK without ready access to mass-produced fried chicken products and questionable gravy.
Speaking via Skype from his bombed-out home in the eastern suburb of Ghouta, 12 year-old Nazim Qabanni told the Herald that he had been moved by footage of people being turned away at KFC drive-throughs and wanted to highlight their plight to the world.
“The video of that women complaining about having to go to Burger King was heart-breaking,” he told our reporter, over the sound of a nearby hospital being destroyed.
“My little brother and I haven’t eaten since our parents were killed in an airstrike last week, so we sympathise with those poor people who had to call the police because they couldn’t get hold of a Spicy Zinger Burger.
“When you see things like that in the news, it makes you understand why the world is ignoring the fact that over 400 civilians have been murdered in this neighbourhood in the past week alone.”
The UN has so far remained silent on the issue, with one diplomat claiming that any attempt to resolve the crisis by air-dropping chicken into affected areas would likely be vetoed by the Russians “because they’re cunts”.
KFC customer Nathan Harris, 19, welcomed news of the campaign, and said that he looked forward to a time when he could visit his local branch without the threat of it being closed.
“Nobody my age should have to go through this sort of trauma, so I’d like to thank Nazim and his mates for their support at this difficult time,” he said.
“It would have been nicer if they had been able to send over some KFC from Syria but apparently there’s a war going on or some shit, so we’ll just have to make do with their thoughts and prayers.”
Media outlets across the UK have largely ignored the ongoing slaughter of civilians by the Syrian government, with much of this week’s attention instead being focused on a fast food chain’s supply problems and yet more gun violence in the United States.
“A small number of white kids being killed 5,000 miles away is definitely more newsworthy than hundreds of brown kids being killed 3,000 miles away,” said one journalist.
Meanwhile, hungover people across the UK have decided that an airstrike on their home would probably not be such a bad thing, after discovering that their local KFC is still closed.