The US Department of Education has revealed plans to install emergency ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ cabinets in every school classroom by the year 2020.
The announcement comes just hours after another lunatic with an assault rifle murdered yet more children in a Florida high school, leading many to demand that radical action is taken before it happens again.
“Enough is enough,” said DoE spokesperson, Jenny Finkelstein.
“For too long now our children have had to wait minutes, or potentially hours, to receive thoughts and prayers from elected officials and lawmakers, and that’s just not acceptable.
“Just think how many of those children could have been comforted by insincere platitudes and hollow words of regret if they’d had immediate access to thoughts and prayers in their classrooms.
“From this point on, no American child will have to cower in absolute terror under their school desk whilst waiting for an NRA-bribed politician to tell them that they have their support at this difficult time.”
Finkelstein explained that the cabinets would be installed in both elementary and high schools across all 50 states within the next two years, with plans to extend the scheme to college campuses at some point in the future. Each cabinet will contain a selection of thoughts and prayers from both politicians and pro-gun lobbyists, and each student will be provided with their own American flag to hide under whilst they wait to be murdered in what should be a place of safety. It is believed that some cabinets will also be fitted with speakers that will play the national anthem at a volume loud enough to drown out distant screams, but not so loud that it draws the attention of the shooter.
“The glass on the front of the cabinets will be shatterproof, obviously,” said Finkelstein. “We don’t want anyone hurting themselves when they have to smash it in all the panic!”
Meanwhile, a spokesman for Florida senator Marco Rubio told reporters that they would be reviewing their relationship with the NRA, following reports that Rubio has received over $3.3 million in funding from the pro-gun organisation.
“We estimate that that works out at about $194,000 per dead student,” he said. “Given how bad we obviously feel about this, from now on we’ll be asking for at least $300,000.”