WASHINGTON: The actual real-life US President Donald Trump has achieved a normal score on a cognitive exam and is in excellent fettle, although he could benefit from a course of worming tablets and being walked off the lead a little more often, the White House veterinarian said on Tuesday.

“In summary, the president’s overall health is excellent,” Dr Rex Cars told reporters. “He continues to enjoy the significant long-term cardiac benefits and glossy coat that come from a high fibre kibble diet and a daily walk.”

The cognitive examination occurred on Friday toward the end of a week in which the President’s mental fitness had come under intense scrutiny after the book, “Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House,” suggested that he has the IQ of a hamster and the attention span of a goldfish.

Dr Cars said Trump had performed well on the cognitive assessment, was able to respond to basic commands including sit, fetch and roll over although he did struggle with more complex instructions such as “stop sniffing women’s crotches” and “for fuck’s sake stop humping my leg.”

“The president is mentally very sharp, very intact for a Golden Retriever of his age,” Cars said. “I think he will retain his glossy coat and excellent sense of smell for the remainder of this term and even for the remainder of another four year term if he’s elected.”

“We have suggested that we reduce his kibble from two scoops on a morning to just one to help him lose a little weight and his kennel cough vaccinations are all up to date.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.