So-called ‘President’ and full-time Twitter troll Donald Trump wants a ‘total and complete shutdown’ of schools in the US after the¬†Florida School shooting earlier today.

Donald Trump, the leading contender for biggest dickhead on the planet, has called for a ‘total and complete shutdown’ of the country’s schools, colleges and universities in the wake of the latest mass school shooting.

Trump made his most ludicrous statement this week through beleagured White House Spokestroll Sarah Huckabee.

He said that too many children are being shot by law-abiding gun owners with automatic rifles and handguns so the obvious thing to do to get a handle on the problem is to close all the schools, adding “it’s just common sense.”

“Until we are able to determine and understand this problem and the dangerous threat it poses, our children cannot be the victims of horrendous attacks at school by people who have no sense of reason or respect for human life. There is literally no other way to stop people shooting children at school than closing schools. Sad.”

A spokesman for the NRA said: “We wholeheartedly back The White House’s plan to shut down schools to protect our children from being shot by the law-abiding owners of high-powered semi-automatic assault rifles.”

“What other options are there, it’s not like we can take guns away from people. It’s an unsolvable problem.”

The NRA has proposed sweeping reforms of the US education system in order to protect children including teaching them how to run in a zig-zag pattern to make them more to difficult to shoot and arming them all with Colt handguns so they can shoot back.

The government said: “We have tried literally everything else from obstructing gun reform, preventing background checks for gun owners, defunding mental health programs and making bullets available at Wal-Mart. We’ve tried everything.”

“Closing schools is our only option.”


Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.