Tottenham Hotspur, commonly referred to simply as Tottenham, Spurs, or a word that you really can’t use in an article these days for fear of sounding like you’re a fan of Trump, Farage and all those slags, have reassured fans that they intend to return to form shortly.

After a sublime performance at Wembley saw Spurs gain fans throughout Catalonia by handing Real Madrid their arses, longer standing fans have become quite uneasy. Chris Steele said:

“Obviously it’s funny to be in third, and I’m happy with third because you know you’re guaranteed to finish above Arsenal. But no higher, come on. And beating Madrid? Mate. I’m not a glory hunter. Come on. I know people who supported Man U, then Leeds, then Man U again, then Blackburn Rovers, then Man U again. There’s a word for them.”

Stung by Steele’s words, Chairman Daniel Levy made a rare public appearance to state:

“Our fans know what to expect. It’s only by bringing them the lows of patchy league form, losing to workmanlike sides in the rain, that they can truly appreciate the highs of incredible wins like that against Madrid. For what is a hill without a valley?”

“That’s why we have always liked skilful but injury prone players like Darren Anderton, ah, remember him? What a perfect Spurs player. We want to be a cup side. We want to annoy Arsenal, but we certainly don’t want a bit too much success leading to universal hatred, I mean do we look like Chelsea?”

Mauricio Pochettino has confirmed that he has a series of questionable tactical decisions in mind for this weekend. These will look like an attempt to keep the ball on the ground and play skilful football, which will then be predictably undone by more direct efforts from a side taking a more traditional English approach.