In honour of signing world famous football man Neville Southall to the Rochdale Herald, here are our top ten tips for real supporters and true football fans.
Go football men!
1- Buy your special football clothes from the team shop and wear them every Football Day (Saturdays). Only special team clothes have the Football Power. They cost a lot of money but it is worth it to help your team win.
2- Racist or homophobic insults are never acceptable and certainly have no place in The Beautiful Game. Call your opponent ‘sheep shagger’, ‘ginger twat’ or simply ‘you fat useless bastard’.
3- You must watch your team’s goals three times per weekend: once when they play, then on Match of the Day and again on Match of the Day 2. Anything less and you are not a Real Fan.
4- Don’t say ‘goalie’ like a small child, say ‘keeper’ like a grown up football man.
5- ‘Clean sheets’ are nothing to do with laundry day. Football men never wet the bed.
6- When watching a match on the television, be sure to shout really loudly or the football men might not hear you.
7- Remember all referees are blind and must be registered with the RBFRA (Royal Blind Football Referees’ Association). You may demand their credentials at any time.
8- Show off your football knowledge by telling women you meet that they don’t understand the offside rule.
9- Never forget your loyalty to your club. Even though it doesn’t have the same players or the same manager as when you were a child, and it has been through many different kits and has a redesigned badge and is in a new stadium in a different part of town and it’s been sold to billionaires, the beating heart of the club is still there for the True Fans.
10- Finally, and most importantly, never ever don’t know something about the football men. Learn all the football men in all the teams just in case another man asks you to name one of the football men.
This is the most important part of being a True Fan and your mutual hatred of people just like you will bond you to your team mates all over the world.
We love you, football men!