The English Football League has admitted buying its footballs from Denny’s Auto Diesel & Spar Mini-Mart on the Bury New Road in Rochdale.
The balls, nicknamed the Penny Swerver by posh kids from Sutton Coldfield, have been sold for 99p on the forecourt since 1975. The Football League had been under pressure to name their supplier following criticism by ‘Light Ball Survivor’ Pep Guardiola, the Manager of Manchester City.
Mr Guardiola was talking following Tuesday night’s heroic efforts from his cheaply assembled band of local lads. The Man City team, all named Gallagher and from Burnage, managed to hold out for over 2 hours against Wolverhampton Wanderers’ Under 23 team for a 0:0 draw.
Guardiola branded the ‘Striker No.9’ ball as “highly unacceptable” following his team’s rearguard action in Tuesday’s Carabao Cup last-16 tie at the Etihad Stadium. He complained that it was “too light, it moves all over the place” and that it was “impossible to score”.
In a statement from the English Football League, spokesman Brendan Cheep-Skate said “The ‘Penny Swerver’ ball used in this season’s Carabao Cup is of exactly the same technical specification as the balls used on beaches and school playgrounds since the 1970’s – although not on windy days as you will spend the entire time chasing them down the high street.
“Also they will go pretty straight when you pass them, as long as you don’t hit them hard, in which case they will fly back into your own face.
“We would like to thank Mr Guardiola for bringing his concerns to our attention in the only possible way – live on TV at a post match Press Conference instead of just picking up the phone” he continued “and whilst some may say he is acting like a prima donna and an overpaid, entitled prick, we can neither confirm nor deny this.”
Former footballer and professional Birthday Cake complainer Yaya Touré, who was effectively paid about £100k to watch the game pass him by, was also scathing about the ball. “I don’t like it to be honest,” he said. “A lot of players were complaining. The FA can try to do something because, as everyone knows, we just love playing for the love of the game and certainly not for an absolute mountain of cash – we just want to enjoy it. It’s difficult to play with these kind of balls and I just can’t understand how over 1000 goals have been scored with that ball this season alone when, frankly, we couldn’t have hit a cow’s arse with a banjo last night.”
The EFL have confirmed that they are going to do absolutely nothing about this matter and added that it was “extremely un-fucking-likely” that Man City would be getting a home fixture for the next few years of the competition.