Malcolm, an inner city border collie, has spoken exclusively to the Rochdale Herald and explained he does not understand why the children in his home are constantly rewarded with food.
“The kids are a pain in the backside,” Malcolm explains, “There’s two of them. They do nothing, nothing that is useful at all, but are constantly rewarded with praise and treats. How is that fair? They can’t even roll over properly. And they never sit still when they’re told to.”
How long has this been going on?
“It’s every day,” Malcolm complains, “from the moment I stir to check no one is breaking into the house, and wake everyone up to tell them it’s okay, till the point around 9pm each night when I give up in despair and go to my bed.”
Malcolm lists his greatest daily achievement as stopping a persistent invader from breaking down the front door.
“He leaves his calling cards when I warn him off. White rectangles. I chew them up if I can, to spare my family the terror of finding them. I’m not always successful. The ones with red lettering seem to be the most terrifying.”
But Malcolm is not giving in.
“I feel such heartache when I think about how much I love my family and how little they recognise my achievements. I really don’t know why the world was made like this? The cat just licks its bum and everyone giggles. Seriously? That’s not even a trick.
The only way forward I can think of is to constantly offer my ball to the alpha female in the hope she will recognise how generous I am. But I don’t see anything changing.
If I’m honest about it, I guess I will always see my life as a border collie as a series of trials.”