Buckingham Palace sources have reported that the Queen is currently trying to decide which of her Corgis to shoot first should Jeremy Corbyn be elected Prime Minister.
One of our sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, explained that the Queen is ‘utterly petrified’ about the prospect of a Corbyn win, and has decided that should this happen disposing of the Corgis herself would be ‘the kindest thing to do’.
In particular she is apparently keen for them to avoid the kind of ‘public humiliation’ suffered by Marie Antoinette and the family of Tsar Nicolas II following similar revolutions in France and Russia.
The Queen was recently overheard telling one of her dog handlers that she’s afraid of what ‘those beasts would do’ if they ‘get their hands on my Corgis’. She went on to add ‘the torture, the abuse, the dog food from Lidl, I cannot let that happen’.
Following her decision the Queen began touring pubs in East London, trying to find someone who would sell her a functioning revolver. To avoid detection she adopted the persona of Ted ‘the slasher’ Andrews, a 36 year-old ex-con who had recently been released from prison for armed robbery. To ensure the disguise was ‘utterly convincing’ she asked Prince Charles to give her a couple of prison tattoos, and attempted to imitate a cockney accent.
At one point her true identity was nearly revealed as she’d forgotten to take her crown off, but fortunately ‘the slasher’ was able to pass this off as a fancy dress party accessory.
Prince Philip is reportedly ‘fully in favour’ of the Queen’s plan, primarily on the basis that he generally supports ‘shooting anything at any time’.
He has also reportedly started destroying his large personal collection of ‘1950’s artistic nudes’ least they ‘fall into the hands of the revolutionary mob’.
