A monster fatberg the size of two double decker buses has been found inside the head of rotund foreign secretary Boris Johnson, Trev Panning, head of the GLC’s emergency brain surgery unit announced Tuesday.
“It’s a mass of lard rich Bullington club dinner fuelled turds, wine bottle corks, wet wipes and what appears to be used floor mop heads which has clearly been building up for decades,” said Panning, explaining that the berg was located between the two halves of Johnson’s brain preventing them from communicating with each other.
“It’s incredible that he has been able to operate as foreign secretary and previously mayor of London without any significant loss of function,” he added.
However Johnson’s political opponents were quick to seize the news as confirmation of long held complaints that his thought processes had been gummed up with utter sh*te for most of his Eton launched career, pointing to his spunking close to £1 billion on so called “Boris bikes” for people to throw in the Thames and “Boris busses” – which proved utterly useless, and on a “shrubbery bridge” across the Thames which will now never be built.
“Only today he announced that the European Union has achieved important foreign policy goals on Iran, Ukraine and Russia and that he wants that to continue after Brexit,” said Ray Main, a prominent anti Brexit campaigner.
“But before the referendum Boris claimed the exact opposite, that what happened in the Ukraine was the RESULT of the EU’s ‘pretensions at running a defence policy’ – either the two halves of his brain really can’t communicate with each other, or his mouth and his arse have been plumbed in incorrectly,” he laughed.
Johnson was Tuesday reported to be en route to the UK protectorate of the British Virgin Islands recently devastated by Hurricane Irma where he is expected to oversee emergency cyber security measures for the estimated,
registered in the pseudo democratic tax haven, and to restock Richard Branson’s wine cellar.
A spokesman for the UK foreign office was quick to stress that Johnson would also be overseeing the distribution of aid to ordinary Virgin Islanders left homeless by Irma, but was unable to confirm reports that it consisted of nothing more than 2,000 sacks of potatoes and a similar number of floor mops, along with crates of unsold copies of Johnson’s risible 2004 novel “72 Virgins”.