My night of 20/20, Man Utd pyjamas and Steradent with mysterious brunette.
Everton striker Wayne Rooney has been charged with drink-driving offences in the early hours of Friday morning, Cheshire Police have confirmed.

Reports of a suspicious vehicle were initially made after it was seen driving erratically around the street of Wilmslow. witnesses noticed that a Quingo 500 mobility scooter was hooked up to the towbar.

One witness also described that a ‘pungent whiff of Steradent and Dettol’ was coming from the windows, while Vera Lynn’s We’ll meet again was being played loudly on repeat. Rooney allegedly sang the song with more gusto than any time he ever sang the national anthem.

Police eventually caught up with the former Harley Street Hair Clinic success, by following the trail of empty Werther’s Originals wrappers strewn on the streets. Rooney was found to be crying into a half empty bottle of 20/20 and was wearing a two-piece pyjama set of the 2008 Champions League winning team. Ryan Giggs face had been smudged out by some hot chocolate, but it does not appear connected to the incident.

Rooney recently returned to his boyhood club, Everton, in the summer, after 13 years at the Red Devils. After a good start to the campaign, it is feared Rooney may be regretting his choice.

Rather than rubbing shoulders with the likes of Paul Pogba and Romelu Lukaku, Rooney has reportedly been pestered by Gylfi Sigurðsson, who turns up to his house with dishes of homemade Svið (Singed and boiled Sheep Head).

It is alleged that the mysterious brunette in the vehicle with England’s record goal scorer, is Luke Shaw’s grandmother. Rooney, while his wife, Colleen, was on holiday had initially asked Shaw’s grandmother for a bedtime story about the good old days at the Theatre of Dreams. However, the dream turned to a nightmare as when she regaled him of the time he hid Marouane Fellaini’s trousers after training, he broke down in tears screaming “What have I done?”.

Rooney then took off with Shaw’s grandmother in her original German VW Bettle, with a set of false teeth and the packet of Werther’s that led to him being found. He then drove to the nearest Nisa Local to pick up his favourite drink and a CD of 1940’s greatest hits.

Colleen Rooney has flown back to the country, but has yet to speak to publically on the issue. Everton have refused to comment on the incident, but Luke Shaw has confirmed that he is not inviting Rooney to his next birthday Party, due to take place at his local Wimpy.