Lancastrian god botherers and grudge carriers across England are up in arms today after news broke that a hunchback from the House of York has become King of England in a move decried by traditionalists as political correctness gone mad.
The crowning of Richard III was seen as a great leap forward by medieval disability campaigners, and Plantagenets, who celebrated Richard’s accession to the throne. The very fact he was able to rise while being a hunchback proves his quality, but random bigots are not impressed.
Men such as Henry Stafford of Buckingham, are deeply worried about the threat to deeply held beliefs they have no wish to justify with logic. Although Henry is heartened that Richard III has a willingness to murder anyone who gets in his way, like any good king should, but,
“There’s two strapping young princes who should have been king.” Stafford asserted.
“Neither is a hunchback. Both fit and healthy lads, perhaps a little young, but someone disinterested could have been found to guide either one of them, with no financial or political motive whatsoever. Dicky boy will be wanting ramps installed in Westminster Abbey next. Think of the expense? That money could be spent on more walls.
We all know it’s tradition that a king has a straight spine. That’s the way God decides things. Once you start messing with tradition everything you hold dear is at risk. If God wanted Richard to be king he would have given him a straight spine. It’s perfectly logical to discriminate in this way.”
A representative of the House of York dismissed his complaints.
“The princes aren’t even legitimate. We all know that the marriage of their father Edward IV to that woman has been declared invalid. It’s only fitting that their uncle should reign instead. He’ll look after the lads. He’ll take the best care of them. And Richard can ride a bloody horse and swing a sword, don’t worry about that. It’s what’s inside a man that counts.”
But muttering is likely to persist, especially among Lancastrians, foremost among them the up and coming Henry Tudor.
“I only want to defend the traditional values this country was founded on. Fantastical interpretations of events no one properly understood codified as beliefs with a healthy dollop of random self interested prejudice has served us well enough so far. I’ve a mind to invade the realm at Pembrokeshire and recruit support before challenging this symbolic monarch in the field. Not that I’ve given it much thought.”
Stafford himself issued a further condemnation,
“Whatever next? Someone foreign on the throne? A woman, heaven forbid, ruling on her own? That could happen. It could. Who will have all the babies and die young then? Not me! The whole show is at stake if this political correctness is allowed to go on with no thought to the feelings of traditionalists like myself about hunchbacks. Next they’ll be naming bloody carparks after him.”