“I’ve had my share of blowjobs,” confirms Jarry Odoms, mouthpiece of Sinn Fein. “But nobody does erections, I mean elections, like the Venezuelans. Now Martin McGuinness, he sucked. Really sucked. But the Venezuelans are natural suckers.”
Odoms is in an excellent place to judge, having spent the election period in Venezuela. His impartiality is enhanced by the fact that the Venezuelan government paid for all his expenses, including blowjobs and cocaine.
According to Odoms, Columbian Marching Powder is a misleading monicker, like Stilton cheese and Brexit. “We in Sinn Fein have called it Venezuelan VaVaVoom for years now,” he sniffed. “It helps clarity of thought and speech, even in an impenetrable Belfast accent. That Scaramucci guy must be doing some low-quality dodgy shit.”
The Venezuelan election was fair and legal and entirely above board, according to Odoms. “Nothing to see here, folks, move along,” he said in confirmation. “The election was strong, stable, long-lasting, and ultimately gratifying to all involved. The climax was a delight. I’ve been on the wrong end of a few elections in my time, and boy did it hurt. They do things properly here – the people got f*cked, not the politicians. Is this microphone still on, by the way?”
Odoms is looking forward to the next round of free, legal and fair elections. He paused to insert a rolled-up fifty pound note into his nasal cavity. “Miguel! Fetch me a couple of lines and a prozzie. I feel an election coming on.”
Venezuelan elections are endorsed by Sinn Fein. So that’s OK, then.
