Reports ejaculating out of Hamburg indicate that the secret meeting between President Trump and Vladimir Putin transcended sharing a duvet and gorging on Hagen-Daaz.

The White House has U-turned on its decision to disclose information from the swathes of unwashed by confirming that Trump and Putin DID have a secret meeting in the President’s Trumpmobile – an eighty-six-thousand ton Cadillac custom fitted with shag carpeting, a home cinema and that weird Saudi Arabian orb he touched the other month and stole from the region on learning that it could be the final horcrux of civilization.

After leaving the post-G20 dinner and neglecting an invite to Angela Merkel’s Amazon Video Vikings sleepover, the two leaders instead opted for their own private Netflix and chill, with onlookers describing Trump’s expression as “erotic-flavoured Wotsit” and “thrust-centric” when leaving the event with Putin beneath his coat. The White House has confirmed that the leaders discussed the manipulation of western democracy after several episodes of Bojack Horseman. But as the President leaned in to preen first base, Putin was seen to turn away with the brittleness of a two-dimensional meerkat.

Early intel suggests that grabbing Putin by the pussy was off the cards from the start, with the BBC’s Andrew Neil describing the move as “more sexually juvenile than my employer” given that the Russian leader is renowned for being a fourth date envelope pusher. Putin’s translator was available for comment, and told The Rochdale Herald in a world exclusive that,

“I had to tone down a lot of the sweet nothings Donald was attempting to audibly spittle into my boss’ ear. Obviously they wanted to cover tracks and get their stories aligned. Putin would purge a few of our journalists and Donald was willing to use capital letters on Twitter again, we had it covered.

But the morning after has left a sour taste indeed, and the news, I mean fake news, has obviously forced the White House into admitting the relationship. They’ll get through this. Donald’s taking my boss out for a “VERY, VERY, SPECIAL ICE CREAM SUNDAE FOLKS, WE HAVE THE BEST ICE CREAM SUNDAES IN MY TRUMPMOBILE, ONLY THE BEST”. This might lead to a third date, but my boss is certainly drawing the line at a fourth. He doesn’t care how small those hands are, he’s not opening his ballot box anymore than he already has.”

– Putin’s Translator

It remains to be seen how the relationship between Trump and Putin will evolve or how deeply embedded and homoerotic it has been up until this point. The biggest question for journalists in the International political arena to digest in the coming days will surely be, “Why Bojack Horseman and not Rick and Morty?”