Not to be outdone by Corbyn’s appearance at Glastonbury last weekend, May hastily forms new band to perform at Latitude this July.

In the kind of showbiz spat not seen since the Blur/Oasis feuding days of the 1990s, pop supremo Theresa May has hit back at bitter rival Jeremy Corbyn who wowed the crowds last weekend as headline act at Glastonbury; not to be outdone, she has formed a new outfit, Theresa May’s Fist Fu*ck Five, which she hopes will be gig-fit for their headline appearance at the Latitude festival in Southwold in two weeks time.

‘Jeremy is shit’ she told reporters in an interview with Smash Hits magazine this morning. ‘My band is well better, we’ve got Amber Rudd on bass for a start. She’s a strong and stable bass player, and she’s got her own bass amp. What’s that crusty old fart got? Michael Eavis on second fiddle, that’s what. He’s rubbish’.

As well as Rudd on bass, TM’sFFF (as they’ve been dubbed by the NME) features Andrea Leadsom on lead guitar, Michael Gove on another bass, and Arlene Foster on the spoons. ‘You might know Arlene from the DUP’ May told Smash Hits reporter Nurofen Spaffsocks, ‘they’re an Irish band, we supported them recently, to the tune of 1.5 billion. They supported us a bit as well. I’m the lead singer, cos I’m the best’ she continued.

The Fist Fu*ck Five have styled themselves image-wise as a tough, gothic metal outfit, that play mostly a selection of acoustic Flanders and Swan covers plus a couple of songs that May has penned herself.

‘The fans are in for a real treat,’ she told Spaffsocks. ‘I’ve written one about the public sector pay cap called ‘Philip Hammond Is A Cu*nt’ she went on. When you hear it, you’re gonna shi*t.’