Her Maj Queen Elizabeth II today graciously accepted a £6m pay increase in order to show solidarity with nurses and teachers.
“I heard that public sector plebs were getting a 1% rise this year” said Elizabeth Saxe-Coburg, 91 “and I thought it was only fair that I get the same, corgi food and crown wax isn’t getting any cheaper you know”
It has also been agreed that Buckingham Palace should be fitted with a laser defence system, just in case any of the people made homeless in the Grenfell tower get any ideas about trying to stay in Buck House’s 775 empty rooms.
“The lasers are the height of technology” explained Her Glorious Imperial Majesty “anyone who’s ever eaten at KFC or watched a whole Jeremy Kyle gets blasted into oblivion. They don’t work so well against posh people which is why we had to do Diana in that Paris tunnel”
Her Victorious, Happy and Glorious Majesty has requested that part of the £6m taxpayer funded windfall to be delivered in £2 coins so that she can add them to the mountain of gold that she sleeps on like a dragon when she retreats from public life and takes up her lizard form.
The Daily Mail will supply a free wank flannel with every Paper tomorrow so that their readers can fap themselves silly over the thought of Her Maj laughing triumphantly in a jacuzzi of fivers. Jeremy Corbyn suggested that the money might be better invested in a guillotine and corduroy executioners’ hood.