In a move which has delighted the electorate of Boston and Skegness, Nuttall has transferred his allegiance. Nutcase claims divine intervention: “According to the Gospel of St Don, ‘In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was Covfefe’!” claimed the ginger weeble on the steps of celebrity rehab centre The Priory this morning.

Nutshell, who strenuously denies being a comic character played by Adrian Edmondson, claims that he has already rented property in Covfefe. “It’s on the High Street, next to Poundland,” said Nutjob shiftily.

In an even more daring claim, Nutella believes that he can actually win the seat. “Early polls suggest that I am currently almost guaranteed to win. The other parties are nowhere,” he hooted.

With the Conservative campaign in disarray, Nutroast believes that UKIP can pick up some of the slack and put pressure on the Tories in several key seats. For example, Peter Whittle is believed to be standing in Erewhon, and Suzanne Evans is fighting the key marginal of Trumpton and Chigley.

Nigel Farage applauded his successor’s enterprise. “It’s time to take back control of undervalued communities such as Covfefe,” he trumpeted from his hotel room near Moscow. “We will of course back Paul with a massive war chest. It’s never too late to put our great country’s independence back on to the political agenda.” Where’s the money coming from, Nigel? “Not Russia. Definitely not. No, no, no. I’ve never even been to Russia, have I, Vladimir?” At this point the line went mysteriously dead.

We would like to wish the tweedy slaphead all the best. Breaking news: Donald Trump has planned pre-emptive air strikes on Covfefe after Sean Spicer joked that it translates as “Terrorist Land”.


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