It has been confirmed by the company tasked with removing as many street trees from the streets of Sheffield as possible that bouncers have been hired to protect the tree fellers from the feral anti-felling campaigners.
Amey spokesman, Daz Boot told the Herald “Our lads are terrified out there facing down these menacing protestors with only an industrial sized chainsaw to protect them. It’s no joke. Many of these campaigners are under 70 and some look like they might eat meat.”
He continued “That is why we have hired bouncers to protect the barred-off work areas. We will give the bouncers a list of our employees names and if anyone whose name is not on the list tries to get into the area, they’ll be bounced out like a half-cut 15 year old trying to get into Spearmint Rhino.”
Plans have been disrupted by tree supremos Dave Dilbert, Dick Wadd and Screaming Lord Crump who have ascertained that many of the new staff are only qualified to work in a nightclub context. Amey have therefore been forced to ensure each work area has a bar, a glitter ball, a DJ spinning banging choons and a VIP area where well-to-do Russians can fondle teenagers.
We tried to speak to one of the new employees but he told us “Sebastian Wiesel? Nah, mate, you’re not on the list.”
