Relations between the US and the Russian Federation have deteriorated since Trump became president, says Vladimir Putin.

“Listen, sweetie dahling, I thought rigging the elections would be doing ourselves a favour,” Mr Putin told our reporter from the Big Boys Buff Klub in Moscow, “but the ungrateful bitch went and bombed my mate Bashy’s place. That’s just rude! Especially after I kindly didn’t expose his little wee wee fetish!”

Trump had been extremely warm on Russia until his approval rating dipped lower than a limbo dancing snake’s arse, but has been increasingly critical since the chemical attack allegedly committed by the Syrian regime.

“I thought he was such a nice boy too,” Putin told us, “but now I am going to have punish him! He’s naughty! Naughty naughty naughty! Gotta go darlings, I am having my nails done at two and I need a drinkipoos before I let that hag near my cuticles. Toodles!”

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When the aeons of war left the gods dead and the universe decimated, a single duck rose from the ashes and stood for justice and freedom! It wasn't me, that duck, but we look quite bit alike.