On the eve of the Olympic 10,000 Metres Mo Farah has dramatically retired from running.

Maurice Farah, 58 and owner of Streamline Taxis on the Oldham Road in Rochdale, has announced that he will not be competing in the Rochdale Fun Run on Bank Holiday Monday. He apologises but says he only said he would do it when he was pissed and any customers who have already paid the sponsorship can get their money back at the office.

He says it was a stupid idea and a man of his age should really just write a cheque to the local British Legion and keep his mouth shut!

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.