Russia are set to announce plans to introduce the worlds first “performance enhanced” Olympics, we can reveal.

As many around the world will know, Russia have been under immense scrutiny by the International Olympic Committee and have narrowly avoided a blanket ban by the IOC, thus paving the way for entrants of their nation to participate in the Rio Olympics, which opens up on Friday 5th August this year.

This latest scoop has triggered an angry backlash by anti-doping groups and organisations and also, the IAAF, who introduced the worlds first ever substance ban into athletics back in 1928 and have continued to add more and more stimulants to the list ever since.

A spokesperson for Russia’s sports ministry has spoken exclusively to one of our reporters to give an explanation to the reasoning behind their recent proposals.

“We all love sport and we love the collectiveness of athletic events like the Olympics and the Commonwealth Games”, he said. “But here, in Russia, we feel athletics has become somewhat stagnant. People want to see records being broken, but we’ve reached a point now, where instances of athletes setting new world records are few and far between. Fans and spectators want and deserve more and we feel performance enhancement should be embraced instead of condemned”.

“Can you imagine witnessing the 100m record being beaten by 3 seconds? Can you imagine the shot putt being launched over 50 metres? Or the javelin event having to take place on an airport runway, just to accommodate the sort of distances you’d expect to see as a result?”.

Perhaps Russia had a good point.
Up until as recently as 2004, a urine sample containing anything more than 12 micrograms per millilitre of caffeine would have been enough to have you disqualified and a ban from future participation. 

Many of us struggle to drive to work in the morning without having had a few cups of coffee before leaving the house and yet, too much caffeine could have tarnished and ended an athletes career.

“We are not expressing endorsement for athletes to use illegal drugs”, Russia’s spokesperson said. “We would like to introduce performance enhancers which are LEGALLY available, in an effort to ramp up modern athletics”.

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“Maybe, in the future, we could look at other substances such as amphetamine, but whatever happens, we want to keep it all above board. The governance for many sports have been outdated and draconian for far too long “.

Many people have condemned and criticised the move, however, it has won the backing of former Canadian athlete Ben Johnson and American cyclist Lance Armstrong has also taken time out from writing his new book “How Curing Myself of Cancer Ruined My Life”, to accentuate his full support.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.