News out of the presidential golf course in New Jersey this evening is that Donald Trump has put his best people on the job of cracking the nuclear launch codes in case he needs to attack North Korea, or anyone really.

An aide to POTUS gave the Rochdale Herald’s Doom correspondent the inside scoop of the latest ramping up of tensions between Donald Trump and anyone on Earth with a fully functioning brain.

“He’s got Bannon on it. He’s got Jared on it. Jared loves puzzles. He finds Ivanka a puzzle. But a number puzzle will be even better. Tillerson was supposed to be playing code busters too but he’s a spoil sport. He said he’s walking his poodle and can’t come. But Donald is really excited. He’s going to join them once he finishes the latest hole of golf.”

It’s believed President Trump realised the urgency of getting the codes cracked after watching Fox and Friends over brunch. When he saw the presenters struggle to work out where Guam is and if it was North or South Korea that we were at war with?

They didn’t succeed with that puzzle but one of them did say,

‘Boy geology is tougher than cracking the nuclear codes. I’m sure the President’s people know which is the bad Korea. And I hope POTUS has his best people working on cracking the nuclear codes in case we go to war with that crazy man in Canada.’

Asked how long it’s expected Trump’s people to solve the riddle of the codes, the aide was less certain.

“No one is able to concentrate on any one task for more than a minute or two before they have to go and do something else. We follow our President’s lead. It’s hard to say, but definitely before Kim Jong-un is ready to launch that firecracker he won’t shut up about.”

Cynics have suggested a quicker way for Trump to crack any code, that is confusing him, would be to just email his hacker friends overseas and they’ll have a fifteen year old in the Crimea crack anything wide open for him.

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