Reports that Donald Trump had been assassinated by a mentally disturbed right-wing white Southerner were denied by the White House yesterday.
The world press was busily reporting the death of the kumquat-hued POTUS in a rifle attack yesterday.
The facts emerging appear to be that 27 year old Klansman BillyBob Schwesterficker purchased a high powered sniper rifle from the Goodwill Christian Charity Shop in his Alabama hometown.
He is reported to have told friends “Jesus told me in my head that he wanted our golden-skinned President for a sunbeam. Mr Trump is an angel who deserves a place at God’s tiny right hand along with Timmy McVeigh and that Swedish dude Anders Breijtbart. I’m a-gonna help him out.’
Schwesterficker then got into his Ford F-250 pickup (with optional extra gun-racks) and drove to Florida to lie in wait for Trump at the POTUS’s exclusive Lana Del Rey resort. On seeing Trump waddling up the entrance steps like he owned the place, the assassin shot five times, missing once.
The President was rushed by golf buggy to the Orlando National Hospital, despite the resort being near Miami. He was pronounced brain dead 20 years ago and clinically dead at the scene.
However, White House spokesman Sean Spicerach provided an alternative version of events.
“We can confirm that President Trump was not assassinated. No one named Billy Bob Schwesterficker has shot the president. The President’s body in not riddled with seven holes and these non-holes confirm that the assassination is totally fake.”
When asked about the number of bullet holes , Spicerach continued “The unassassin did not take five shots, four of which did not hit the President.
Six of the holes were not the result of three fake bullets not passing entirely through the President’s torso, failing to cause both entry and exit wounds.
The seventh hole was not caused by a fourth totally untrue bullet entering the President, where it was not stopped by his collarbone.
The fact that it was not stopped in this way means it did not not pass through and as a result it is not still inside the body of the President and will not provide any evidence for any trial of Mr Schwesterficker, who was not shot while not fleeing the schene, when he is not charged with not assassinating the President.”