In a determined effort, this time (yes, this time it’s for real, not like the other times) Simon Lardon, single, of Sheffield, has given up beer and bacon and joined his local Sweatytynes to wobble around on an elliptical trainer for all of one month.

At the end of that month, having spent no real effort, and having no real willpower, he will decide that he was right all along to believe that he was genetically unable to lose weight and will go back to eating takeaway every night and sitting on his backside developing type 2 diabetes.

Little does Lardon know, his gym membership will actually last 28 months, as it can only be terminated after the first year if the member hand delivers a signed, sealed, notarised parchment containing the “incantation of termination” to Dougal Sweatytyne himself at his headquarters in remote Tibet.

Ironically, the exercise involved in delivering the notice will get Lardon to the fittest he’s been since he was 8.

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