As the heatwave currently hitting the UK enters its third day water companies across Britain have enforced hose pipe bans once again.

Despite months of endless downpours, and one of the wettest winters on record, the UK’s already almost out of water.

A spokesman for United Utilities who supply Rochdale homes with their H2O allegedly said;

“There is nothing more we can do, it’s down to the pipes you see. They are all knackered and leak like buggery. We’ve tried using sticking plasters but they eventually peel off and millions of gallons of good water just wastes away. We really only have one option which is to increase prices and restrict supply. We could look to replace and update our infrastructure but that would seriously eat into our profits so that’s not on the cards for the foreseeable future.”
The Rochdale Herald has put together this helpful list to help get the most out of your water usage.

  1. Always bath at least 2 at a time and then save the water for using in soups and hot drinks.
  2. Urinate in the garden over your prize roses. If you don’t have a garden your local park or golf course will also work well.
  3. Try not to drink
  4. If you must drink try drinking your own urine, Bear Grylls swears by it.
  5. Only refill your jacuzzi once a week.

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Illiterate writer of nonsense. Great at headlines but tail off during the story ;-) Available for weddings funerals and kids parties. Never lie, or do I? Married to a retired supermodel come part time donkey racer. Will work for beer and crisps.