The USA’s hopes to add another pointlessly American sport to the 2020 Olympic have been dashed by the IOC due to concerns over the scoring system.

The USAOC had lobbied to have Police-State Violence – a sport where innocent minorities, political opponents and anyone with an education are tazered, bound, beaten or shot – added to the Olympic roster. The sport has achieved growing popularity in the US over recent years having declined in the late 60’s and throughout the 70’s and many overweight, white, uneducated Police officers from across the USA are amongst the global elite – regularly achieving the kind of performances that would make the Stasi blush.

However the IOC have, for once, not merely rolled over for the Americans (like with Baseball, Synchronised Swimming and Pro Basketball) because of concerns over the scoring system.

As it turns out the Americans have not been keeping count of how many people the States shoots, beats or kills.

In response the US Federal Govt has finally announced that all 20,000 US law enforcement agencies will have to record how many people they each kill every year – Seriously they don’t currently write it down anywhere. You honestly couldn’t make this shit up.
Current World Police-State Violence Champion, Sheriff Bubba La Beau of the Baton Rouge Police Department in Louisiana said “What you lookin’ at Boy? Don’t be eyeballin’ me College Boy – I will put you in the ground; I shit you not”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.