In the face of a shareholder revolt, retail giant Sports Direct is to drag its working practices kicking and screaming into the 1920’s.
Following a damning house of commons committee review and several exposés by media outlets, it emeged that the firm doesn’t treat its employees like human beings. Shareholders are now concerned that their take home this year will only be£300 million, rather than £381 million. As a result, under-pressure directors have come up with a raft of changes which they hope will help them keep their jobs:
- Workers to be given names to better identify them. Such as ‘Man with limp’ and ‘Pregnant woman #5’ which will help foster a family feel.
- Removal of the oppressive and negative ‘6 strikes and you’re out’ policy. Workers will now be positively encouraged to do no more than 5 things wrong.
- Introduction of guaranteed hours contracts for directly employed personnel.
- All directly employed personnel are immediately transferred to the Happy Happy Worky Work agency, in a further cost cutting measure.
- To reduce the number of ambulance call outs to its Shirebrook facility, an on site team of battlefield paramedics with mobile gurneys will be sourced through the agency. This team can have a labouring Pregnant woman #5 back on her feet and processing orders within 10 minutes, and Man with limp given a temporary and possibly terminal 50% speed boost through experimental pharmaceuticals, under a lucrative new testing deal with Pfizer.
- A workers representative to be elected to sit in on board meetings. By the door. Handily near the tea making facilities. This is a non-speaking role.
- A corporate public awareness campaign to keep the public appraised of facts such as; If you want to keep being able to buy a £100 pair of trainers for only £50, you probably shouldn’t look so closely at where the other £50 is saved.
