Bearded men around the country joined together in a collective shudder yesterday as they were tagged in yet more increasingly irritating, abysmal and completely unfunny ‘beard decoration’ posts on social media.
Most of the pictures feature bearded males, attempting to muster a smile as their facial hair is daubed in tiny, cheaply made ornaments or sprayed with a rash inducing paint, as the life and soul of their very existence slowly drains from their eyes.
Steve Clasp of Greater Void in Lancashire hasn’t shaved on purpose for the majority of the decade and was sadly tagged in a glittery beard video by his girlfriend’s, brother’s, wife who apparently thinks “This will be U next.LOL”.
Speaking to the Herald Clasp exclaimed, “It’s just not funny. Who in their right mind would want to spray their beard with glitter? Christmas is glittery enough without actively taking measures to get covered in glitter on purpose. I’m f*cking 35, not 5. I was born with no top lip and my beard is my only hope of looking like a passable man. If not for my beard I’d look like a man with the mouth of a teddy bear. Having facial hair is not a novelty so don’t make me into some sort of Christmas circus freak. Do you think people do that to ZZ Top?”
Fellow chinless male Kirk Spanner has avoided the tagging’s this year but has come a cropper in previous years. “They look sh*t, like proper sh*t, and even the one time I was guilted into putting a decoration in my beard a few years ago on Christmas Day it was funny for about 27 seconds. I was told I was being a miserable bastard and was solely responsible for ruining my auntie’s Christmas day. I mean in comedy terms it’s right on a par with genocide.”
The Guild for Bearded Adults of Great Britain are currently putting in measures to implement the revocation of all bearded privileges to any male who engages in such activity during the festive season for fear of spreading the myth that it’s an acceptable thing to do or have done. They have recommended that beard owners tell any acquaintance, who feel the need to ‘tag’ a bearded friend in such a video, to shove the bauble’s in the smallest of orifices and never to darken their doors again.
