Children all over the country are coming to terms with the horrifying reality that their Mums have at least one dildo.
Counsellors and psychotherapists are said to be set for a bumper January after tens of thousands of children found collections of grumblers hidden in sock and knicker drawers all over the country.
Professor of Stuff Parents Do That Accidentally Fucks Up Their Kids at Rochdale Community University, Dr Phil Larkin, told The Rochdale Herald: “They fuck you up your Mum and Dad, they may not mean to but they do.”
“Nothing can prepare a twelve year old on the hunt for some Lego for the horror of finding a flugelhorn or a Rampant Rabbit in their Mum’s knicker drawer instead.”
“That kind of thing can lead to a career in Politics, you could even end up in the Cabinet as Environment Secretary.”
“The absolute worst case scenario is that you find your Christmas presents AND your Mum’s vibrators. That’ll mess up Christmas for good.”
Children all over the UK now know where the batteries from the TV remote disappear to. It costs thousands of pounds to put that kind of damage right in later life according to experts at the Institute of Stuff.
“This kind of thing can really turn you into a complete dickhead if you’re not careful.”
“A middle aged man from Burnley who works in communications at Rochdale council is thought to have lost his sense of humour permanently when he found his Gran’s gimp mask while looking for the counterpart to her driving licence in 1992.”
