The Home Office has issued advice to the nation’s gardeners this year that they should be storing this year’s autumn leaves for use as currency after the apocalypse.
“It’s just a precautionary measure. There is no reason to be alarmed,” Home Secretary Ramber Audd advised, “just probably don’t compost those great piles of leaves this year, okay?”
Further advice on how to store the “money” is expected to follow. The preferred method is likely to be laying them out flat under a mattress, as this will not only give security but aid in keeping warm during winter.
It’s thought the denominations will be set based on the size of the leaves, as is the method currently for bank notes.
“A plain tree leaf will probably be a fifty, you know, a bullseye?” Ms Audd continued, “I’m not sure what we’ll use for small change? Pine needles could be five pence pieces? Pound coins will be bay leaves, I’m going to see to that personally. You can throw your smash into any tomato based sauce that way.”
It’s believed following this advice will have the added bonus of cleaning up streets that many local councils can no longer afford to clean regularly.
“If this is successful and take up is broad we will extend the scheme to involve using trash found on pavements as childcare vouchers, although I’ll have to talk to the treasury, as I can’t see how a milk carton won’t count as additional income.”
Local councils reacted immediately to Ramber’s statements by warning anyone caught taking leaves off pavements will be issued with on the spot fines of anywhere up to four plain tree leaves with further fines of whole trees for late payment.
