Donald Trump’s chief spin doctor Tuesday quit his job in the White House complaining of “dizzy spells”.
Mike Dubke, who only took up the role three months ago, denied media reports that he had “failed to gel” with other members of Trump’s team. He complained that Trump himself and his senior staff contradicted each other and themselves on major issues so frequently he had been left confused as to what message he was actually supposed to be spinning.
“How can you “gel” when you’re spinning out of control,” he asked, explaining that Trump would habitually give interviews in which he outlined policies which were the polar opposite of those he’d previously announced.
“So I have to get out there and explain the change, but while I’m doing that some other White House staffer is giving a completely different explanation, so then I have to explain why the explanations of the change are different,” he sobbed.
“Then at 3 am when I’m hopefully asleep, the deranged orange-faced idiot goes on twitter and tweets something completely different again….. and then I get woken up by the global media demanding an explanation for the change to the explanations to the change of explanation to the change of policy,” he wailed, revolving fitfully.
Dubke explained that the resulting dizzy spells had become so severe that he had had to be physically restrained in a chair.
“Unfortunately it was an office chair with wheels on which immediately started revolving,” he explained, pointing out that the chair revolved so fast that it had worn circular grooves in the White House parquet floors.
“I did suggest hooking me up to a generator so as to make use of this free source of renewable energy but that didn’t go down well,” he added.
“Even though he thinks the sun shines out of his own ass, the president hates renewable energy, ,” he said.
