Downing Street has announced plans to employ Daily Mail readers as a team of specialist civilian advisers as it steps up efforts to improve security across the UK.
In the wake of attacks across Europe and the Middle East by the so-called Islamic State group, the Prime Minister outlined her intention to use specially-selected online experts to inform future policy.
Speaking outside Number 10, Theresa May said, “For too long now, national security matters have been influenced by intelligence officials, military strategists, academics and cultural advisers. It is now clear that the key to Britain’s security lies with those who take the time to share their knowledge in the comments section of the Daily Mail website.”
Newly-appointed Diversity Adviser, FancyPantz89, from Chelmsford, Essex, said she looked forward to working with the government to identify areas where “culture doesn’t work right.” The 23 year-old hairdresser was picked for the role because of her regular use of the disclaimer, “I’m not a racialist but…”, suggesting at least some awareness that she is actually a hateful little witch. “I just don’t think people will feel safe until they start to ingritate (sic) better,” said the vacuous twat, who regularly fails to attend Neighbourhood Watch meetings run by her 65 year-old Muslim neighbour.
Military Adviser, UKIP4eva, from Sunderland, who has never been in the armed forces but regularly shares Britain First posts about Lee Rigby, against the wishes of the murdered soldier’s family, said, “We need to do what Churchill would do an wipe them out!” The 44 year-old arsehole, whose life was saved in 2012 by an Iraqi heart surgeon who fled to the UK to seek asylum during the first Gulf War, continued, “These people are a threat to our way of life! Bombing them is all they understand!” Stopping briefly to wipe beer from his jowly racist face, the appalling sack of shit said, “What’s collateral damage mean?”
Speaking from her three-bedroom villa in the Costa Brava, Immigration Adviser and ‘ex-pat’, Nigel4King, said that the solution was to stop any further immigration and build a big wall, called the ‘Farage Barrage’, along the UK coastline. “The reason I left was because they were just swarming in,” said the corpulent 54 year-old migrant. “They just don’t fit in and aren’t interested in learning our way of life,” she added, throwing a ball for her dog, Monty, who not only understands more Spanish than she does but contributes more to the local culture just by shitting in the flowers beds.
Adviser on Islamic Affairs, ProudCrusada, who has never met a Muslim but once worked in Asda with a guy called Ahmed or Vijay or something, was optimistic about his appointment. “Everything I need to know about Islamism I can get from the scrapbook full of Katie Hopkins articles I keep under my bed,” said the 42 year-old cockwomble, who thinks it’s funny when his 5 year-old son shouts “Bomber!” at the 84 year-old Sikh man who lives down the street. When asked if he could ever see a solution to sectarian conflict in the Middle East, he muttered something about, “liberal elites” and “snowflakes”, before clicking on a Mail Online article about Rita Ora’s camel toe.
Asked to provide comment on the appointments, a spokesperson for the Muslim Council of Britain said, “The terrorists responsible for these despicable crimes do not represent Islam and should not be considered Muslims. The overwhelming majority of Muslims do not… actually, what’s the fucking point? Seriously, I’m so sick of this shit.”
