NASA has announced it will hold a press conference later this week to reveal new discoveries “of significant importance, “beyond our solar system”.
The agency gave no further details however unofficial sources have suggested that the announcement will reveal that tests conducted on White House special advisor Kellyanne Conway have confirmed that she “is not of this world”, and not from Camden, New Jersey as she had previously claimed.
“Observations of her unusual lexical constructions, and her tangential grasp of societal norms raised suspicions that she may have been an enemy agent,” said the source adding that subsequent biometric analysis of her retinal spectrum had confirmed that in fact she is not even human, and is most likely a migrant from outside the Solar System.
“Further more detailed medical studies revealed that in addition to an infinitely extendable lower jaw and detachable top set, she also boasts independently swivelling eyes and has a detachable scrotum the size of a postman’s sack, containing no less that 36 testicle,” he explained.
The official was at pains to dampen speculation that Ms Conway may be part of a “spearhead party” sent to Earth to foment chaos ahead of the arrival of a full invasion force.
“At this point in time we have no evidence to suggest that she is not alone, but we do need her to confirm how and why she arrived here, and why she wasn’t stopped by border security” he added
“We have asked her, but haven’t received an answer that makes any sort of logical sense. Possibly she is still confused by the strangeness of her surroundings and has yet to acclimatise to earth,” he speculated explaining that she is currently confined within the grounds of the White House where it is felt she can do less damage than if she were allowed to mix with the ordinary population.
The official confirmed that Ms Conway has free access to President Donald Trump, pointing out that unless she was three storeys tall and bellowed like a rhinoceros, Trump would be unlikely to notice any difference.
“She has been feeding on the small rodents that live in the president’s volumous hair which she can pluck out with her detachable teeth without disturbing him,” he said. “We still have no idea as to the reason for the multiple testis, but we are maintaining a close watch to ensure she doesn’t attempt to impregnate him, or indeed anyone else in his team.
“The last thing we want is scores of orange faced rug rats with extendable dentures crawling all over the place when President Putin comes to visit,” he said.
“Like all Martians, he isn’t at all fond of children and has been known to have them rendered into lard for use as stove fuel during the long Martian winter, he added.
