A country that in the year of our Lord 2020 still thinks burning Catholics is a family friendly November evening out, is upset by damage to a statue.  The country, which is approximately 9.6% Catholic, considers it entirely appropriate to encourage children to make an effigy of a Catholic man, wheel it around the neighbourhood, and then burn it.  

The practice of burning the Catholic man is linked to a historical event where that man attempted to blow up the Houses of Parliament.  Despite that, the practice is incredibly popular with a section of the population who think MPs are traitors and that the Houses of Parliament should be blown up with them all inside.

The burning of a Catholic man who tried to burn Parliament is also seen as a symbolic act linking the fire he attempted with the fire he now receives.  The country considers this is entirely different from drowning a statue of a slave trader despite the amount of times that man will have “accidentally on purpose” drowned sick slaves overboard before making a claim on his insurance.

“You can’t judge someone for being a slave trader in 1600.  Being part of a globally dominant group profiting from the misery of millions is really something that you shouldn’t criticise someone for, people should be judged by the standards of the time.  Especially as he was a Tory MP, and you need to judge him by the standards of his own.  That is also why it is right and proper to judge Guy Fawkes by the standard of the time, where most Catholics accepted they were the ones that should be burned, not Parliament,” explained Chief Constable Sir Mason Lodge.

Rumours that Bristol is going to hold an annual event in June featuring apple bobbing, and a dunk tank for the local Tory MP, are at the time of writing, unfounded.