The role of senior Downing Street Adviser Dominic Cummings was called into question after news emerged that he had seen fit to visit the north east not once, but twice.  This amount of time in the north is almost unheard of in senior Tory circles, and Cummings was forced to reassure the Cabinet that the visit was primarily to Chillingham Castle, home to his wife’s parents. 

This reassured the great and the good, however, the plebs remained animated by these visits occurring during lockdown.  Indeed, more excitable organs than the Herald speculated Johnson would soon fire Cummings, spaffing him right across the A66 upgrade. 

However, a source close to Cummings, one Laura Kuenssberg, quickly explained that his actions were as a result of his wife catching coronovirus.  If the disease took hold, Cummings faced the very real prospect of having to care for his child.  Despite his aptitude in passing the Turing test by correctly identifying bluebells in a photo, the level of affection required for fatherhood was likely to prove beyond him, and so an urgent drive north was required.  Twice.

As pressure mounted, Cummings was called into No 10 to explain himself.  With nervous arrogance he explained the predicament he had faced.  “Ah well, ah, perfectly understandable,” blathered the PM, “bally well surprised you acknowledged the blighter was yours, quite right to get other women to help if the, ah, wife is sick.”

Meanwhile, upstairs, a blonde haired baby cried.

Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?